Some of my favorite days as a kid were spent riding bikes around our little neighborhood with my friends. I would rush home from school, grab my bike, and pedal frantically to my friend’s house. If he wasn’t already outside, I would ride small figure eights in his driveway, yelling at his window until the garage popped open, and he came barreling out on his Huffy. I have so many great memories of those times with my friends. It was easier to “make” and “be” friends as a kid. Even what I understood to be a “busy” life wasn’t really that busy. Between school and neighborhood life we were blessed to spend a great deal of concentrated time together.
As we grow older life changes. What we once thought of as “busy” has been eclipsed by our current state of business. Yet, living within each of us is that same longing for friendships.
Since it seems unlikely that the world will slow down, and riding your bike around to random strangers’ houses while yelling at their windows might result in your unfortunate arrest, here are some simple tips to develop friendships when you have a busy life.
1. Text someone you already know
I know this might sound overly obvious and simplistic, but aren’t those the best options sometimes? You likely already have someone in your life that is an acquaintance you could be friends with, or a friend you’d like to develop a deeper relationship with. You likely already have their number and might have even thought of texting them recently, but life gets busy and you forget (totally happens, I get it).
Try this: set an alarm on your phone to text that person once a week. If it is a current friend you want a deeper relationship with, try once a day. Pic a time in the day/week that you can carry on a 5-minute text conversation if they text back. In the evening after dinner is a great time, because many people are winding the day down and likely would have 5 minutes for a conversation. Here are some text prompts to help:
- “How is your week going?”
- “Thinking of you today. How is it going?”
- “Hey how are you doing? Anything I can be praying with you for?”
2. 5 Minute Phone Call
We live in a cultural moment where people are much more comfortable texting than calling, so this might seem counterintuitive on the surface. What I have found is that because calling is less common, it is increasingly more significant. To call someone feels important, and so there is a level of respect and significance you relay to someone when you call them.
Here is the important part: keep the call short. As your friendship grows your calls will grow, but if you start this process thinking “I have to carve out an hour of my day for a call” it will never happen.
You can schedule the call or call at a time that is likely to be the most convenient. Avoid times when people will be getting ready for or commuting to work, as well as very early mornings or late nights. Standard lunch times, mid-afternoons, or post-dinner times can be the best.
When you call, start by asking how the other person is doing. Don’t be surprised if they are slow to offer information about their life right away. As the friendship grows, the conversations will be richer in content. The next step is to say, “Hey I’d love to pray with you. Is there anything specific I can be praying for?” Don’t ask if you can pray, ask what you can pray for. Then pray. Keep it short and sweet. No need trying to impress anyone, just be honest before the Lord.
3. Monthly Moment
Face-to-face time is some of the most important and helpful in developing friendships. Traditional office work and school provide people with more face-to-face time, but it seems that people have fewer and less of those opportunities. You might not be able to see a friend every day of every week like it was in elementary school but setting up a reoccurring moment every month to hang out can go a long way to developing a friendship.
Don’t overcomplicate this. Some of my best monthly moments are 1hr-max hangouts at a coffee shop. The coffee doesn’t even need to be that good. The point is that as friends we can express to each other that we value one another by showing up, sharing about our life, and encouraging one another.
4. Send a Physical Card/Letter
It might seem like I’m hopping in the old way-back machine for this one, but let’s be honest: receiving a physical card in an increasingly digital world feels extra special. This isn’t for everyone, but for many people this is huge. It can be a once-a-month 10-minute commitment that starts a friendship, unlocks your gifting as an encourager, and even changes someone’s life.
I love the idea of writing letters, but I must have an aversion to stamps and envelopes because I can never find them in my house. So, instead, I have been using an app called FELT. You can send personalized notes and cards from your phone. This is a simple win. (Side note: Husbands use this app. Trust me).
5. Pick a workout buddy
This takes a little more buy-in from both parties, but it can develop friendships for a few reasons. First, there is the mutual commitment from both people to regularly communicate. It also gives both people permission to hold each other accountable, which is a crucial part of effective friendships. Great friendships require real accountability and being someone’s workout buddy is a low-stakes venue for mutual growth in that area. Finally, working out is good for your body and mind. It releases good chemicals into your body that make you happier, push you to grow, and gives you both something to celebrate together.
Being a workout buddy could be as simple as texting daily about your workout regimen progress, or as deep as working out together consistently. If you are working out this is an easy addition, and if you haven’t been prioritizing physical fitness it could help you or someone you know take that step.
6. Join mutually committed groups
When you are BUSY you must prioritize not only how much time you are spending building friendships, but also who you are building them with. There is nothing more frustrating than sacrificing time you really don’t have to build a friendship with someone who really doesn’t care. This is why small groups are crucial.
Let me say it like this: SMALL GROUPS are crucial to developing friendships because there is a mutual commitment by every party to: show up consistently, cultivate relationships together, and grow spiritually toward Christ. In fact, small groups are the most likely place you will find people to try numbers 1-5 on this list. When there is mutual commitment friendships can flourish.
If you have not joined a small group yet, then I highly encourage you to take that step. If you are a busy person, it will be the most effective investment of your time that you can make. Click the link to check out the small groups and find a mutually committed group at Banner Church. http://bannerchurch.churchcenter.com/groups
YOU CAN DO THIS
My parting encouragement to you is: You can do this. Yes, we are all busy, and to be honest, nothing I see in the world says it has any plans of slowing down. Yet, we all need friends. So I encourage you: to take one small step toward developing friendships today. It doesn’t have to be massive. A small step can make a huge difference.
Blessings,
Pastor Josh Weisbrod